Christmas shopping--an extreme experience

So as we come again to Christmastime we visit familiar places and do familiar things. We spend time with family, decorate the house, eat our fill of Christmas dinner, and last but definitely not least--go Christmas shopping. The funny thing about Christmas shopping, is that while we do it with the right intentions in mind--giving--it still manages to become something that is very unlike the traditional joy and peace mantra of Christmas. In fact it has become an almost painful and turmoil-filled experience. I'll provide the traditional anatomy of Christmas shopping as experienced at a trip to Wal-Mart.

Entering the store

First of all you must park your car. Now while this sounds easy, at Wal-mart it is like an intense game of strategy and skill. Even speed racer would find it difficult parking his car at Wal-mart. First of all..the parking lot is packed solid for about oh..the first 100 rows. Meaning if you want an easy parking space, you need to park so far away from the store that they offer tram rides to customers wanting to get to the door. But alas, this is Christmas! We won't be satisfied until we find the closest possibly parking space. No matter that we burn 6 gallons of gas in the process. So we drive..and drive..and drive..for hours on end scouring the parking lot for an empty space. Finally we find one and burn rubber trying to get to it..after the broken bumber and whiplash we finally get our parking spot...hahaha row 99!

So now after parking we begin the long trek to the store. There's a dark outline over the horizon but we can't quite distinguish it yet..so we press on. Thankfully there are shopping carts from every store in the city strewn across the parking lot. They make good transportation so it's useful to pick one up. Ah..there's nothing like Florida sledding, such a rush. Finally you arrive at intersection where you have roughly 3 seconds to get across or...instant SUV roadkill. If you push the cart into ongoing traffic it generally slows down the SUV's enough for you to get across, by about 2 seconds anyway (this doesn't work with Hummers--they keep going). Once across I usually drop to the concrete and kiss it...after which I'm promptly run over by holiday shoppers.

Finding an item

Now that you've entered the store it's time to search for the gifts you've come to buy. If you picked up a Wal-mart advertisement in your local newspaper you probably saw several great things to buy for your friends and family. However, if you actually plan on finding these items you haven't shopped enough in your lifetime. Let's say you saw an advertisement for a big screen tv that's on sale for 200 dollars less than its original price. You're so excited at the chance to save so much money that you head immediately back to electronics. Here's the conversation that ensues.

You: I'd like one of the big screen tvs you advertised.

Clerk: I'm sorry we're out.

You: Out?! But the ad just came this morning in the paper and I came as soon as I saw it.

Clerk: Well we're out. We just sold the only one 10 minutes ago.

You: The only one? Why didn't you have more? This is outrageous!

Clerk: Well the ad clearly says "supplies limited" so I'm afraid you're out of luck.

You: Well could you at least check in the back and see if you have any left?

Clerk: Ok, I'll be right back.

(1 hour later)

You: Well that certainly took a long time! I hope you found a tv.

Clerk: Oh, the tv! I forgot! I was having my lunch break. I'll go look again.

(30 mins later)

Clerk: No, I'm sorry we're out. But I can offer you this comparable item.

You: That's a 6-inch black and white battery powered tv.

Clerk: Yeah, but it's the same price.

So..you do the only thing you can do--look for the other items in your list. Ah, the perennial favorite, an animated elmo doll. Strangely enough, all your nephews and nieces want one every year. The only explanation is that a strange breed of aliens is manufacturing the elmo dolls and has brainwashed our American children to demand one every year. This years version of the elmo doll is rock and roll elmo. Elmo sports a leather jacket and an electric guitar and sings and dances (the first toy guaranteed to drive the parents to insanity after the first 10 minutes of usage) The funny thing is..I think elmo would make it big in the music industry. Heck..if a teen girl with a disney show wearing a blonde wig with the most unimaginative fake name ever conceived can make it big, elmo is a shoo-in. The only tricky part to this toy is getting one. As I mentioned before..every kid in America wants one, and parents looking for them turn into crazed psychomaniacs. So it helps to have a plan. The safest way to get this toy is to manufacture a riot in the toy section. While the parents are fighting over the toy you can sneak in and get your elmo doll! Victory!

Purchasing Your Item

So once you've found every item on your list, or at least 5 elmo dolls it's time to buy your items. There are two options at Wal-mart-- the self-checkout or the checkout line operated by a Wal-mart employee. Neither option is very appealing, but since there isn't a line at the self-checkout you decide to use that one (little do you know there's a reason there is never a line at the self-checkout and it isn't because of quality service) This is what happens when you try to check out at the self-checkout:

(You scan elmo)

Computer: Place item in bagging area and press continue.

(You place elmo in bag)

Computer: Unauthorized item! Remove or ask for help.

(You remove elmo)

Computer: Scan next item.

(You scan elmo)

Computer: Place item in bagging area and press continue.

You: Haha..not this time.

(You dont put elmo in bag)

Computer: Warning! Place item into bag.

You: I did before and you told me not to!!

Computer: Place item into bag.

You: Fine!

(You put elmo in bag)

Computer: Unauthorized item! Remove or ask for help.

You: Fine! Excuse me miss, could you help me?

Employee: What have you done? You screwed something up.

You: I didn't do anything!! It's this stupid computer!

Employee: There I fixed it. Why don't you use another checkout? You obviously can't operate a computer.

You: Fine!

So..you head over to the 1o items or less line. Thanfully there are only 2 people ahead of you, unfortunately they all have their carts filled to the top. You can complain but unfortunately this is Wal-mart...even though the sign says 10 items or less it really means "short line for whoever wants in." So you wait for awhile and finally get up to the counter. It takes awhile for you to check out as the clerk has to call the manager to verify that the 100 dollar bill is in fact a genuine currency item of the USA, but finally you escape. You are tired but have the satisfaction knowing that out of all the shoppers you spent your entire day at Wal-mart and managed to buy 3 elmo dolls and only suffered a mild broken arm and some mild emotional distress in the process. Ahh..Christmas shopping.

Joys of Real School

Ah...so this semester I experienced the joys of a "real" school for the first time. I've been homeschooled my whole life, so going to the local community college for classes seemed like it would be exciting. (Cut to me banging my head against the wall wondering what the heck I was thinking) Exciting it is not. Oh, don't get me wrong, it's a lot of fun being in real classes and being around people I never knew before, most of whom I still don't know, but exciting? Uh..no.

True, it's nice to get out of the house and my teachers are very good for the most part, (unless you count the overwhelming urge to fall asleep the entire morning) but there's still this nagging feeling that I can't wait to get out of that place. I've narrowed it down to two reasons I started feeling this way after the first month. The reasons are: extreme sleep deprivation and analytical brainwashing. The latter likely does not make sense to you, and if you're lucky, I'll explain it and it still won't make sense to you, but at least you'll be satisfied that you don't experience it yourself.

Ok, the first is extreme sleep deprivation. Now I know to all you public-schoolers and people who have a job, my situation is not extreme. I mean really..waking up at 7:30 two days a week isn't that bad, right? Wrong. To me this is school boot camp. I mean seriously, homeschoolers get a bad rap for being able to go to school in their pajamas and for getting it easy..but that's probably only because...it's true! Ok I'll admit that to me the crack of dawn is excessive..heck my definition of bright and early is the crack of 10. But still...7:30 is just ridiculous. So, this semester I've been plagued by extreme sleep deprivation and as a result I've been forced to resort to desperate measures....ergo caffeine. So..now I have truly become the youngest caffeine addict in the history of the world. And to all those who say caffeine is good for you and has no side effects...I say...psh yea right. True, the inordinate amounts of caffeine I've consumed have kept my awake for my classes, but what they don't tell you is that large doses of caffeine have basically the same effect as say...hard alcohol. The high resulting from caffeine gives you the feeling that you could run a thousand miles, take an excessively long road trip, finish all your homework within 10 minutes and never be tired again. This usually lasts about an hour. The hangover from caffeine makes you feel as if you haven't slept in 1000 years, you've just been beat up by a pack of wild monkeys and left in a ditch by the side of the road, then you try to sleep but your brain won't let you because "you aren't tired enough." This usually last for weeks. Lovely stuff caffeine...works real well. Is it worth it? Definitely. What else am I going to use to keep me awake... sleep? What a ridiculous notion. So I spend my nights in sleepless withdrawel from caffeine, feeling like the undead skeletons in POTC wandering the earth feeling nothing...yes that's why we all love caffeine...it's an american tradition.

But...sleep deprivation is not even the worst consequence of "real" school. The abssolute worst deadly consequence of "real" school is analytical brainwashing. I promised to explain so I will. In both my economics and english class we are given analytical homework assignments. In economics we are given economic analysis assignments in which we write a page analyzing a certain economic developement and in english we are given assignments to write an analyzation of certain literature or cultural writing. So I have been told this entire semester to analyze things, meanings, economic developements, tone, emotional appeal, word usage and why the writer used the word "and" between two incomplete phrases. Basically..."Analyze everything, especially the things nobody cares about or even pays attention to because it would be a tragedy for you to have free time outside of class." So..I've analyzed...and analyzed...and analyzed again. I've analyzed why people buy less video game systems when they cost a million dollars more than their competitors, how writers can manipulate you to agree with them by making more sense than some other writer who only calls people names, and last but definitely not least...why it is crucial to use the proper punctuation in a rough draft that nobody will ever read. These inordinate amounts of analyzation have led to a condition I call "analytical brainwashing" in which my school life has corrupted my personal life. I now find myself analyzing everything!

Why does that cartoon chracter continue to make the same mistakes and allow everyone laugh at him? What is the artist trying to portray here? Obviously there is a deep underlying message behind charlie brown trying to kick the football...literature should never be taken at face value.
Did I properly pause after that comment I made? Should I have used more literary illusions within that conversation with my friend? Would I have been able to portray my opinion better if I had employed proper word usage? Why did I buy that item for 5 dollars when I could have paid 10 dollars for the same exact item? What is the manufacturers gimmick in getting me to buy his product?

Essentially...analytical brainwashing is taking over my life and is destroying me. Never again can I watch another cartoon, I continually analyze the logical fallacies. Never again can I read a book without critiquing its word usage and meaning. Maybe I should just go watch spongebob squarepants...maybe it will undo the effects of all this using my brain junk. Yea...that's what I'll do. Well...I hope it works! See you all on my next installment of my "reflections of the hawk" i think I need more coffee before I fall asle.....zzzzzzz.