Diary of a Swine Flu Victim (Day 2)

Day 2:

I woke up to another normal day, not knowing that this one was far different and deadly—much more deadly. I read the newspaper as I drank my morning coffee to see this horrifying headline: “Swine Flue Kills First Victim” The story went on to tell the tragic story of a 104-year old Mexican man of poor health who was on his deathbed and happened to catch the swine flu. He had died late last night. Causes of death were yet undetermined, but I knew the truth just like the rest of the world. It was the swine flu.

In panic at this stunning turn of events, I turned on the news. I couldn’t believe my eyes at what I saw. Riot police flooded the streets of Mexico City, wild flu-ridden pigs swarmed the streets, spreading their deadly disease, Mexicans young and old ran screaming in terror beneath their dust masks. It was total anarchy. "We're live from Mexico City where we are witnessing the end of the world. The first victim of the swine flu succumbed to its deadly killing powers last night and more are on their way. The only question this reporter has is: is there any hope for the race of men? For GNN news, I'm Chip Perkins."

I switched off the news and realized it was probably in my best interests to stay away from Mexico so I called up my travel agent and cancelled my weekend trip to Acapulco. Satisfied that I had ensured my long life and vitality I picked up my briefcase and headed for work.

Diary of a Swine Flu Victim or (Dead Man Walking)

Diary of a Swine Flu Victim or (Dead Man Walking)

Note: This obviously fictitious diary is not meant to trivialize those that have died from swine fu, (still much less than those that die from regular flu) nor is it meant to be taken seriously. If you are offended by this blatantly satirical portrayal of a fictitious person then you need to get a better sense of humor and/or a life. Thank you.

Day 1:

I turned on the news before bed as I normally do and was greeted with a shocking sight. Thousands of Mexicans were coughing and sneezing, some were even nauseous! It was something I had never seen before, I found myself asking who was responsible for this horrible sickness. The answer was soon to follow:

“We’re reporting live from Mexico where the most horrible pandemic of our time has tragically…..struck tragedy—swine flu.” The smile on the handsome reporter’s face turned grim, “Thousands will die because well, this is something new. Where did this start you ask? It all began on a small Mexican pig farm where one small pig caught the regular flu. It wasn’t long before that pig started sneezing and he sneezed on the farmer. The farmer then became infected with….swine flu! Just like regular flu you say? Well you’re wrong! Through a serious of events far too complex and scientific for me to explain or even understand, this flu just got way deadlier. Stay tuned to this channel for around the clock coverage of this—the Armageddon of our time.”

I turned off the TV and went to bed. No big deal, at least it was only in Mexico. It’ll never reach us; we have the safest borders in the world.

homeland insanity or...zany airport adventures! (part 2)

So after a long, and particularely painful move from Beverly Hills to Inverness, I continue my fascinating chronicles of the insanity of airports and the people who run them...enjoy!


Baggage Check

Once you've gotten past the check in you now head over to the security checkpoint where your carry on bag will be ripped apart for no reason whatsoever. The ever important homeland security department has evolved to such a point that since nearly all of the 9/11 terrorists were muslims, they have narrowed their search for dirty bombs to the shoes of elderly women. This is why America is so secure.

But back to baggage check. Before you go through the metal detector you need to present some official identification so the security official can verify that you aren't an elderly woman. Once it is clear to him that you are the person identified on your i.d card, you must present at least three other forms of i.d: your libray card, your high school lunch pass, and a picture of you at the age of five wearing a cowboy hat. If you cannot show the guard all of these items you are clearly a terrorist and are arrested and sent to Guantanamo Bay immediately. However, if you can present the needed identification, or a $100 bill, you proceed to the metal detector.

Once you get to the metal detector you are told to remove everything except your clothes--thats for the next line. But the most crucial thing you must remove is always your shoes. Everyone knows shoes are where every good terrorist hides his trusty Ak-47 and various dirty bombs. So you place everything onto the x-ray belt and go through the metal detector, where even if you're naked, the metal detector will find something to beep about. Once it does beep, hundreds of alarms go off and every security guard in the building tackles you and removes your pinkie ring with brute force. Now that's homeland security!

While all this is going on, the other guards are examining your bags and items as they go through the x-ray machine to make sure you haven't smuggled any hijacking equipment such as nail clippers or the ever dangerous plastic fork. Or at least that is what they are supposed to be doing. The reality is that they are so bored, that instead of searching for dangerous items, they are searching for cool stuff they want to keep. This is why so many ridiculous things have been confiscated at airport security. Notice the following not made up conversation for definite proof!

Guard 1: Is that a diamond ring?

Guard 2: I think you're right. We can't let that go through, they could be using that as a weapon.

Guard 1: Oh man..is that the new game system that just came out!? Now THAT is clearly a dirty bomb.

Guard 2: Keep your eyes open for a watch. Mine broke yesterday when I was tackling that lady with the ring. Oh wait! Is that a Rolex he's wearing?

Guard 1: Sure is.

Guard 2: Awesome. Let's get him.

At this point they proceed to harass the man with the watch, and confiscate it because he's very obviously a terrorist. But they always let you through no matter how many "dirty bombs" you have with you. I think they're required to take your stuff to stimulate the economy for all of the airport stores--all of which carry merchandise manufactured in China. See the connection?

But no matter how sinister their motives you still make it through. Albeit battered, bruised, and naked. But at least you won't be late for your plane. Thats before you remember you're only halfway through the airline torture and you break down in tears. But hey--at least they didn't take your plastic forks!

(to be continued...)

homeland insanity or...zany airport adventures! (part 1)

A couple of weeks ago I took a trip up to Virginia via the wonderous Delta airlines. Needless to say, I was excited about the trip.

The funny thing is if I had actually managed to place my last airline flight into my long-term memory I would have dreaded the trip...but since my memory data storage could very well be outdone by an ant, possibly even a dead one, I was excited about the flight. So I was completely unaware for what incredible insanity would follow...what I have titled as "homeland insanity or...zany airport adventures" enjoy!

The Arrival

When you first arrive at the airport it is essential you get out of the car and bring your bags with you. There's only one problem...you can't stop your car here for more than say roughly 5 seconds before some crazed man in a weird hat runs at you waving his arms, screaming "you have to move, you have to move!!" You could arrive here during nuclear fallout, with no cars in sight, and that same guy would be there screaming the same thing. I suspect he's a robot, likely made in China. Every airline employee must be a robot put there solely for the purpose of annoying us. This is China's secret plan for taking over America: annoy the Americans, steal our things claming they're deadly, then take all our money before we ever get on the plane. This is why China's GDP is so high. But every now and then you can get out of the car if you ignore the screaming robot or you throw water on it--preferably Culligan. But however you manage to escape your car, the important thing is that you make it out--don't let China win!

Check-In

Assuming you escape your car, you need to check your bags in. There are several roadside kiosks lining the way, where you can check in your bags. The roadside kiosks are supposedly placed there for convenience, but since the person driving you to the airport has already been chased off by the maniacal robot, it would be just as easy to check your bags inside. What most people don't know is that there are just as many kiosks inside as outside. The only difference is that the ones inside are free, but outside you have to pay $5 per bag, and you have to tip the robot. It's technically not price gouging if there are alternate ways for you to check your bags in, but since the airports still want to take your money, they try to convince you that either:

A: it's incredibly more convenient to check your bags in outside,

B: there aren't any more kiosks, or

C: homeland security recommends you check in your bags outside or terrorists will hijack a plane.

Usually the airports employ a combination of the three. However, if you do figure out that there are more kiosks inside, they will employ another tactic--brute force. The survival rate of people attempting to reach the indoor kiosks is only 2%

If you believe that last statement you probably never found the indoor kiosks either. Another point for China.

Christmas shopping--an extreme experience

So as we come again to Christmastime we visit familiar places and do familiar things. We spend time with family, decorate the house, eat our fill of Christmas dinner, and last but definitely not least--go Christmas shopping. The funny thing about Christmas shopping, is that while we do it with the right intentions in mind--giving--it still manages to become something that is very unlike the traditional joy and peace mantra of Christmas. In fact it has become an almost painful and turmoil-filled experience. I'll provide the traditional anatomy of Christmas shopping as experienced at a trip to Wal-Mart.

Entering the store

First of all you must park your car. Now while this sounds easy, at Wal-mart it is like an intense game of strategy and skill. Even speed racer would find it difficult parking his car at Wal-mart. First of all..the parking lot is packed solid for about oh..the first 100 rows. Meaning if you want an easy parking space, you need to park so far away from the store that they offer tram rides to customers wanting to get to the door. But alas, this is Christmas! We won't be satisfied until we find the closest possibly parking space. No matter that we burn 6 gallons of gas in the process. So we drive..and drive..and drive..for hours on end scouring the parking lot for an empty space. Finally we find one and burn rubber trying to get to it..after the broken bumber and whiplash we finally get our parking spot...hahaha row 99!

So now after parking we begin the long trek to the store. There's a dark outline over the horizon but we can't quite distinguish it yet..so we press on. Thankfully there are shopping carts from every store in the city strewn across the parking lot. They make good transportation so it's useful to pick one up. Ah..there's nothing like Florida sledding, such a rush. Finally you arrive at intersection where you have roughly 3 seconds to get across or...instant SUV roadkill. If you push the cart into ongoing traffic it generally slows down the SUV's enough for you to get across, by about 2 seconds anyway (this doesn't work with Hummers--they keep going). Once across I usually drop to the concrete and kiss it...after which I'm promptly run over by holiday shoppers.

Finding an item

Now that you've entered the store it's time to search for the gifts you've come to buy. If you picked up a Wal-mart advertisement in your local newspaper you probably saw several great things to buy for your friends and family. However, if you actually plan on finding these items you haven't shopped enough in your lifetime. Let's say you saw an advertisement for a big screen tv that's on sale for 200 dollars less than its original price. You're so excited at the chance to save so much money that you head immediately back to electronics. Here's the conversation that ensues.

You: I'd like one of the big screen tvs you advertised.

Clerk: I'm sorry we're out.

You: Out?! But the ad just came this morning in the paper and I came as soon as I saw it.

Clerk: Well we're out. We just sold the only one 10 minutes ago.

You: The only one? Why didn't you have more? This is outrageous!

Clerk: Well the ad clearly says "supplies limited" so I'm afraid you're out of luck.

You: Well could you at least check in the back and see if you have any left?

Clerk: Ok, I'll be right back.

(1 hour later)

You: Well that certainly took a long time! I hope you found a tv.

Clerk: Oh, the tv! I forgot! I was having my lunch break. I'll go look again.

(30 mins later)

Clerk: No, I'm sorry we're out. But I can offer you this comparable item.

You: That's a 6-inch black and white battery powered tv.

Clerk: Yeah, but it's the same price.

So..you do the only thing you can do--look for the other items in your list. Ah, the perennial favorite, an animated elmo doll. Strangely enough, all your nephews and nieces want one every year. The only explanation is that a strange breed of aliens is manufacturing the elmo dolls and has brainwashed our American children to demand one every year. This years version of the elmo doll is rock and roll elmo. Elmo sports a leather jacket and an electric guitar and sings and dances (the first toy guaranteed to drive the parents to insanity after the first 10 minutes of usage) The funny thing is..I think elmo would make it big in the music industry. Heck..if a teen girl with a disney show wearing a blonde wig with the most unimaginative fake name ever conceived can make it big, elmo is a shoo-in. The only tricky part to this toy is getting one. As I mentioned before..every kid in America wants one, and parents looking for them turn into crazed psychomaniacs. So it helps to have a plan. The safest way to get this toy is to manufacture a riot in the toy section. While the parents are fighting over the toy you can sneak in and get your elmo doll! Victory!

Purchasing Your Item

So once you've found every item on your list, or at least 5 elmo dolls it's time to buy your items. There are two options at Wal-mart-- the self-checkout or the checkout line operated by a Wal-mart employee. Neither option is very appealing, but since there isn't a line at the self-checkout you decide to use that one (little do you know there's a reason there is never a line at the self-checkout and it isn't because of quality service) This is what happens when you try to check out at the self-checkout:

(You scan elmo)

Computer: Place item in bagging area and press continue.

(You place elmo in bag)

Computer: Unauthorized item! Remove or ask for help.

(You remove elmo)

Computer: Scan next item.

(You scan elmo)

Computer: Place item in bagging area and press continue.

You: Haha..not this time.

(You dont put elmo in bag)

Computer: Warning! Place item into bag.

You: I did before and you told me not to!!

Computer: Place item into bag.

You: Fine!

(You put elmo in bag)

Computer: Unauthorized item! Remove or ask for help.

You: Fine! Excuse me miss, could you help me?

Employee: What have you done? You screwed something up.

You: I didn't do anything!! It's this stupid computer!

Employee: There I fixed it. Why don't you use another checkout? You obviously can't operate a computer.

You: Fine!

So..you head over to the 1o items or less line. Thanfully there are only 2 people ahead of you, unfortunately they all have their carts filled to the top. You can complain but unfortunately this is Wal-mart...even though the sign says 10 items or less it really means "short line for whoever wants in." So you wait for awhile and finally get up to the counter. It takes awhile for you to check out as the clerk has to call the manager to verify that the 100 dollar bill is in fact a genuine currency item of the USA, but finally you escape. You are tired but have the satisfaction knowing that out of all the shoppers you spent your entire day at Wal-mart and managed to buy 3 elmo dolls and only suffered a mild broken arm and some mild emotional distress in the process. Ahh..Christmas shopping.

Joys of Real School

Ah...so this semester I experienced the joys of a "real" school for the first time. I've been homeschooled my whole life, so going to the local community college for classes seemed like it would be exciting. (Cut to me banging my head against the wall wondering what the heck I was thinking) Exciting it is not. Oh, don't get me wrong, it's a lot of fun being in real classes and being around people I never knew before, most of whom I still don't know, but exciting? Uh..no.

True, it's nice to get out of the house and my teachers are very good for the most part, (unless you count the overwhelming urge to fall asleep the entire morning) but there's still this nagging feeling that I can't wait to get out of that place. I've narrowed it down to two reasons I started feeling this way after the first month. The reasons are: extreme sleep deprivation and analytical brainwashing. The latter likely does not make sense to you, and if you're lucky, I'll explain it and it still won't make sense to you, but at least you'll be satisfied that you don't experience it yourself.

Ok, the first is extreme sleep deprivation. Now I know to all you public-schoolers and people who have a job, my situation is not extreme. I mean really..waking up at 7:30 two days a week isn't that bad, right? Wrong. To me this is school boot camp. I mean seriously, homeschoolers get a bad rap for being able to go to school in their pajamas and for getting it easy..but that's probably only because...it's true! Ok I'll admit that to me the crack of dawn is excessive..heck my definition of bright and early is the crack of 10. But still...7:30 is just ridiculous. So, this semester I've been plagued by extreme sleep deprivation and as a result I've been forced to resort to desperate measures....ergo caffeine. So..now I have truly become the youngest caffeine addict in the history of the world. And to all those who say caffeine is good for you and has no side effects...I say...psh yea right. True, the inordinate amounts of caffeine I've consumed have kept my awake for my classes, but what they don't tell you is that large doses of caffeine have basically the same effect as say...hard alcohol. The high resulting from caffeine gives you the feeling that you could run a thousand miles, take an excessively long road trip, finish all your homework within 10 minutes and never be tired again. This usually lasts about an hour. The hangover from caffeine makes you feel as if you haven't slept in 1000 years, you've just been beat up by a pack of wild monkeys and left in a ditch by the side of the road, then you try to sleep but your brain won't let you because "you aren't tired enough." This usually last for weeks. Lovely stuff caffeine...works real well. Is it worth it? Definitely. What else am I going to use to keep me awake... sleep? What a ridiculous notion. So I spend my nights in sleepless withdrawel from caffeine, feeling like the undead skeletons in POTC wandering the earth feeling nothing...yes that's why we all love caffeine...it's an american tradition.

But...sleep deprivation is not even the worst consequence of "real" school. The abssolute worst deadly consequence of "real" school is analytical brainwashing. I promised to explain so I will. In both my economics and english class we are given analytical homework assignments. In economics we are given economic analysis assignments in which we write a page analyzing a certain economic developement and in english we are given assignments to write an analyzation of certain literature or cultural writing. So I have been told this entire semester to analyze things, meanings, economic developements, tone, emotional appeal, word usage and why the writer used the word "and" between two incomplete phrases. Basically..."Analyze everything, especially the things nobody cares about or even pays attention to because it would be a tragedy for you to have free time outside of class." So..I've analyzed...and analyzed...and analyzed again. I've analyzed why people buy less video game systems when they cost a million dollars more than their competitors, how writers can manipulate you to agree with them by making more sense than some other writer who only calls people names, and last but definitely not least...why it is crucial to use the proper punctuation in a rough draft that nobody will ever read. These inordinate amounts of analyzation have led to a condition I call "analytical brainwashing" in which my school life has corrupted my personal life. I now find myself analyzing everything!

Why does that cartoon chracter continue to make the same mistakes and allow everyone laugh at him? What is the artist trying to portray here? Obviously there is a deep underlying message behind charlie brown trying to kick the football...literature should never be taken at face value.
Did I properly pause after that comment I made? Should I have used more literary illusions within that conversation with my friend? Would I have been able to portray my opinion better if I had employed proper word usage? Why did I buy that item for 5 dollars when I could have paid 10 dollars for the same exact item? What is the manufacturers gimmick in getting me to buy his product?

Essentially...analytical brainwashing is taking over my life and is destroying me. Never again can I watch another cartoon, I continually analyze the logical fallacies. Never again can I read a book without critiquing its word usage and meaning. Maybe I should just go watch spongebob squarepants...maybe it will undo the effects of all this using my brain junk. Yea...that's what I'll do. Well...I hope it works! See you all on my next installment of my "reflections of the hawk" i think I need more coffee before I fall asle.....zzzzzzz.