So after a long, and particularely painful move from Beverly Hills to Inverness, I continue my fascinating chronicles of the insanity of airports and the people who run them...enjoy!
Baggage Check
Once you've gotten past the check in you now head over to the security checkpoint where your carry on bag will be ripped apart for no reason whatsoever. The ever important homeland security department has evolved to such a point that since nearly all of the 9/11 terrorists were muslims, they have narrowed their search for dirty bombs to the shoes of elderly women. This is why America is so secure.
But back to baggage check. Before you go through the metal detector you need to present some official identification so the security official can verify that you aren't an elderly woman. Once it is clear to him that you are the person identified on your i.d card, you must present at least three other forms of i.d: your libray card, your high school lunch pass, and a picture of you at the age of five wearing a cowboy hat. If you cannot show the guard all of these items you are clearly a terrorist and are arrested and sent to Guantanamo Bay immediately. However, if you can present the needed identification, or a $100 bill, you proceed to the metal detector.
Once you get to the metal detector you are told to remove everything except your clothes--thats for the next line. But the most crucial thing you must remove is always your shoes. Everyone knows shoes are where every good terrorist hides his trusty Ak-47 and various dirty bombs. So you place everything onto the x-ray belt and go through the metal detector, where even if you're naked, the metal detector will find something to beep about. Once it does beep, hundreds of alarms go off and every security guard in the building tackles you and removes your pinkie ring with brute force. Now that's homeland security!
While all this is going on, the other guards are examining your bags and items as they go through the x-ray machine to make sure you haven't smuggled any hijacking equipment such as nail clippers or the ever dangerous plastic fork. Or at least that is what they are supposed to be doing. The reality is that they are so bored, that instead of searching for dangerous items, they are searching for cool stuff they want to keep. This is why so many ridiculous things have been confiscated at airport security. Notice the following not made up conversation for definite proof!
Guard 1: Is that a diamond ring?
Guard 2: I think you're right. We can't let that go through, they could be using that as a weapon.
Guard 1: Oh man..is that the new game system that just came out!? Now THAT is clearly a dirty bomb.
Guard 2: Keep your eyes open for a watch. Mine broke yesterday when I was tackling that lady with the ring. Oh wait! Is that a Rolex he's wearing?
Guard 1: Sure is.
Guard 2: Awesome. Let's get him.
At this point they proceed to harass the man with the watch, and confiscate it because he's very obviously a terrorist. But they always let you through no matter how many "dirty bombs" you have with you. I think they're required to take your stuff to stimulate the economy for all of the airport stores--all of which carry merchandise manufactured in China. See the connection?
But no matter how sinister their motives you still make it through. Albeit battered, bruised, and naked. But at least you won't be late for your plane. Thats before you remember you're only halfway through the airline torture and you break down in tears. But hey--at least they didn't take your plastic forks!
(to be continued...)
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