homeland insanity or...zany airport adventures! (part 1)

A couple of weeks ago I took a trip up to Virginia via the wonderous Delta airlines. Needless to say, I was excited about the trip.

The funny thing is if I had actually managed to place my last airline flight into my long-term memory I would have dreaded the trip...but since my memory data storage could very well be outdone by an ant, possibly even a dead one, I was excited about the flight. So I was completely unaware for what incredible insanity would follow...what I have titled as "homeland insanity or...zany airport adventures" enjoy!

The Arrival

When you first arrive at the airport it is essential you get out of the car and bring your bags with you. There's only one problem...you can't stop your car here for more than say roughly 5 seconds before some crazed man in a weird hat runs at you waving his arms, screaming "you have to move, you have to move!!" You could arrive here during nuclear fallout, with no cars in sight, and that same guy would be there screaming the same thing. I suspect he's a robot, likely made in China. Every airline employee must be a robot put there solely for the purpose of annoying us. This is China's secret plan for taking over America: annoy the Americans, steal our things claming they're deadly, then take all our money before we ever get on the plane. This is why China's GDP is so high. But every now and then you can get out of the car if you ignore the screaming robot or you throw water on it--preferably Culligan. But however you manage to escape your car, the important thing is that you make it out--don't let China win!

Check-In

Assuming you escape your car, you need to check your bags in. There are several roadside kiosks lining the way, where you can check in your bags. The roadside kiosks are supposedly placed there for convenience, but since the person driving you to the airport has already been chased off by the maniacal robot, it would be just as easy to check your bags inside. What most people don't know is that there are just as many kiosks inside as outside. The only difference is that the ones inside are free, but outside you have to pay $5 per bag, and you have to tip the robot. It's technically not price gouging if there are alternate ways for you to check your bags in, but since the airports still want to take your money, they try to convince you that either:

A: it's incredibly more convenient to check your bags in outside,

B: there aren't any more kiosks, or

C: homeland security recommends you check in your bags outside or terrorists will hijack a plane.

Usually the airports employ a combination of the three. However, if you do figure out that there are more kiosks inside, they will employ another tactic--brute force. The survival rate of people attempting to reach the indoor kiosks is only 2%

If you believe that last statement you probably never found the indoor kiosks either. Another point for China.